Serious answer here.

I've had two threesomes, with four different girls, and they were both pretty rad, but they weren't the best sex I've ever had.

When I was a senior in college, I took a linguistics class. The first day of class, I sat down next to this cute asian girl. I stared at her all during class. When the roll was being passed around, I saw her name, and I emailed her that day. Probably just something short and stupid, with a link to my webpage, but she agreed to hang out with me.

We met up and played ping pong. She was pretty good, but I was better. Turned out she was a 26 year old PhD student, Chinese, and married, with her husband back in China, working to support her. I really wanted to fuck her, and I didn't really give a crap about her being married. I have a huge asian fetish, and a huge intelligence fetish, and she had both in large quantities.

Nothing remotely sexual was said or done during our first meeting, but it still felt sexual to me. She just seemed so enthusiastic. We walked around on campus for a bit, and then decided to walk to her apartment, but when we got there, she realized that she had forgotten her keys in her office, so we went back to campus and ate pizza. Several hours of just walking around, talking about shit, but still she somehow seemed so feisty and excited with our random conversations, and I felt excited too. She seemed really energetic and eager, and I couldn't stop thinking about how much I wanted to fuck her.

It was getting dark, and she said she was going back to her office to work, and it felt like a really big let down. My mood changed instantly, and I was just like "k bye" and sat there silently as she walked off. I went back to my dorm room, but as soon as I got to my room, we started sending emails back and forth to each other, and I just asked her directly to spend the night with me. She was reluctant, and giving excuses, but she still responded to each of my emails within minutes, and finally, after like five emails asking her to spend the night with me, she agreed. I walked to her office on campus and then we walked together back to my dorm.

The walk to my dorm contrasted sharply with our day together. It was night, and we walked silently side by side. The manic pretense of day's meandering enthusiasm shattered and gone, replaced with quiet dark purpose and the uncertain glow of street lamps. I reached out and gently grasped her upper arm with my hand as we walked wordlessly, occasionally stroking it with my other hand. I knew she was mine.

When we got to my dorm, she took a shower as I laid in bed and stared at the ceiling, my mind primed and tensed for fucking. I heard the shower turn off after a few minutes, and waited, but I didn't hear anything else for several minutes, and I became paranoid that she had changed her mind and slipped out. But no, she eventually entered my tiny room, wearing her clothes but still sopping wet from the shower. Apparently my old towel was so funky and crusted from never being washed that she refused to use it, and couldn't find any other alternatives.

My bed was about four feet off the ground, and this seemed to pose a challenge for her. She was pretty short. I tried to gently pull her up onto the bed, but that seemed to create more problems than solutions. Finally, she pulled my chair over and stood on it in order to hop up into bed.

We started spooning instantly, with her grabbing my arm with both of her hands and throwing it under her neck as she laid down, pressing my hand right into her breast, which I squeezed oblidgingly. Her body was light and tight, and the way we wrapped up around each other felt so natural and good.

I think I spent more time making out with her then than I've ever (willingly) spent on a girl in my life. It just felt so fucking good that I wanted it to stretch out forever. Each conquering advance was so small in scale that it left plenty of room for many advances left to come. Caressing and scratching and squeezing and pulling on that beautiful, tight little body, permuting through all the different ways a hand can pass over skin, while my mouth goes on a separate exploration of her ear and cheek and neck and shoulder, and finally our mouthes meet... haha wtf. Yeah, I was trancing out, then and now, as I write this. It's weird, it really is like this epic make-out sequence in my mind, um.

Anyway, so at some point, her shirt and bra are off, and her pants are unfastened, and I guess my hand is massaging her pussy with increasing frequency and intensity, and some neural register in her brain accumultes enough for her to interrupt my trance by saying:

"But... it will not be safe!"

Haha. It was funny, this chick was so smart, and she actually spoke English better than I do in many ways, and she read English classics in her spare time, but I guess English classics don't teach you the proper way to ask someone if they have a condom. So of course, I'm like "Oh, don't worry! I have a condom!!!" like it's some awesome save or something, and I leap out of bed to grab a condom from my drawer, and the epic make-out is over and after about 60 seconds we're fucking.

And she freaks out. In a good way. A very, very good way. I wouldn't go so far as to say that she was screaming, but it was close. It was like she was moaning really loud, and that embarrassed her, so she starts trying to laugh self-consciously, but she's moaning and thrashing too hard to laugh, so it all comes out as this non-stop strangled contorted highly modulated yelping noise. And I know that must sound weird, but it was pretty much the sexiest thing I've ever been in the presense of, and I think I lost my mind a little bit too. I just felt so into this girl, and I guess maybe in some primal way, she was telling me that she was really into me too, and it was just intoxicating bliss. I shared a common room with three other guys and I'm pretty sure they must have heard the whole thing clear as day, but I was too far gone to give a shit. I just kept on fucking her.

After maybe, I dunno, ten minutes (but I don't trust myself to judge time during sex), I accidentally shoot my load, apologize, and request a quick break. And she responds by saying

"I love you."

She's laying underneath me, looking right up at me, smiling, and I don't really know what to say. On the one hand, it's pretty damn goofy, but on the other hand, I'd just been in the middle of the best sex of my life. I just kind of stared at her silently for a bit, and didn't say anything. We go back to making out and then start fucking again, and it's just as intense as the first time. We had sex four times total that night, with interludes of sleep, still wrapped up around each other.

At one point, while we were fucking for the third time that night, she was on her belly and I was fucking her from behind, and she just looked so good and I was enjoy myself so much and blah blah that I said "I love you" and she said "I love you too," and as soon as the words came from my lips, I could hear the voice of disdain in my head: "Yeah, you love fucking her." But I said it anyway. Pretty weird.

We fucked each other about once a week for a semester, but it was never as good as it was that first night. She never got anywhere close to as loud as she was that first night. I don't think we ever said "I love you" to each other again. At the end of the semester, I had sex with someone else, and the asian PhD student stopped seeing me. This was all like... eight years ago. Wow. Sigh.