20100122: Louisilla was raped by three guys

18:41:26	tommyb80	I dreamed about you last night.
18:41:37	louisilla	so did I
18:41:41	louisilla	you were a creep
18:42:47	tommyb80	I think I was singing, or playing music, and it made the floor vibrate, and this pleased you. You took off your clothes in stages and eventually were sitting down on the vibrating floor. And the music was in these different visual units that I was doing signal processing (?) on.
18:43:12	tommyb80	Did you actually dream about me?
18:43:16	louisilla	yep
18:43:20	louisilla	you were a creep
18:43:23	tommyb80	Elaborate?
18:43:47	louisilla	like, grabby and pokey in spite of my protestations
18:43:59	tommyb80	Sounds like me.
18:44:09	tommyb80	Tell me something sad.
18:44:59	louisilla	I had to walk the long way around to get to campus in 4-in heels because the fucking retard parade had mobbed the metro statioin
18:45:16	tommyb80	Why were you in four inch heels?
18:45:30	louisilla	because they went with the outfit
18:46:02	louisilla	and I thought it was going to be rainy and that was the most rainproof thing I could think of
18:46:17	tommyb80	Estimate how many times you've cried in the past 365 days?
18:46:37	louisilla	far too many to count
18:46:54	tommyb80	Please give me a number.
18:46:59	louisilla	o
18:47:00	louisilla	no
18:47:20	tommyb80	fuck you cunt
18:47:21	louisilla	it would be an entirely arbitrary number with no basis in reailty
18:47:38	tommyb80	I'm fine with that.
18:47:39	louisilla	and I don't want to supply statistics to suit your childish whim
18:47:53	louisilla	and you can stop talking to me now
18:48:05	tommyb80	I'll give you five dollars if you answer my question.
18:48:22	louisilla	I don't care
18:49:11	tommyb80	Sorry.
18:50:40	tommyb80	Please. It's hard to emote respect and humility over the web. I'm really a huge goofball and no one takes me seriously, but somehow, online, you can't see my goofy grin and so people think I'm being a big asshole when I'm just trying to ask questions because I want to get to know you.
18:51:10	tommyb80	I don't know why my questions turn into these weird power struggles over nothing.
18:51:25	louisilla	yeah
18:51:31	tommyb80	It's just the only way I know to get to know people.
18:51:33	louisilla	fuck you cunt translates well enough
18:51:39	louisilla	I'm done, okay?
18:51:55	tommyb80	I say fuck you cunt to my best friend like five times a day.
18:52:13	louisilla	I'm not your best friend
18:52:36	tommyb80	Please don't give up on me.
18:54:48	tommyb80	Did you get back with your boyfriend?
18:55:19	louisilla	I never had a boyfriend
18:58:15	tommyb80	How did your reading go?
18:58:31	louisilla	meh
19:01:31	tommyb80	Have you ever been in love?
19:02:05	louisilla	I guess
19:03:08	tommyb80	What do you want to be when you grow up?
19:03:31	louisilla	a crazy aunt
19:03:48	tommyb80	Do you have a crazy aunt?
19:04:01	louisilla	nope
19:04:25	tommyb80	Where did you get the idea?
19:04:55	louisilla	my name
19:05:12	louisilla	I like kids w/out the obligatioin
19:05:35	louisilla	I like most things kids do
19:07:45	tommyb80	I miss being a kid. I miss the implicit idea that my life was going just fine, and that I would do great things and be a great person when I got older, as a matter of course. I miss playing video games and lounging around all day and not feeling guilty about it. I miss screaming at people and shitting on cars.
19:08:28	tommyb80	You have a strange smile.
19:09:10	louisilla	right
19:09:44	tommyb80	What do you fantasize about?
19:10:50	louisilla	sleeping
19:11:37	tommyb80	Do you have any plans for tonight?
19:12:00	louisilla	snuggling with my cat
19:12:47	tommyb80	Do you write music?
19:13:27	louisilla	no
19:13:40	tommyb80	Do you ever want to kill yourself?
19:15:13	louisilla	I'd rather someone else save me the trouble
19:16:07	tommyb80	Whenever someone tells me that I should get a cat, I tell them that I would feel really bad for a cat that had to live with me.
19:17:31	tommyb80	Can I please come over?
19:18:13	louisilla	still haven't given me a good reason
19:18:37	tommyb80	Do you like me?
19:19:41	louisilla	I'm leaning towards no
19:20:19	tommyb80	Maybe you feel sorry for me and want to let me pet your cat? ;P
19:29:10	tommyb80	Did you really give me your address last night?
19:29:31	louisilla	yeah
19:29:43	tommyb80	If I just showed up, do you think you'd let me in?
19:30:10	louisilla	I'm not getting out of bed
19:30:23	tommyb80	Is the door locked?
19:31:24	louisilla	yup
19:31:45	tommyb80	Do you think your roommate would let me in? ;P
19:32:19	tommyb80	http://i.imgur.com/R2mf8.gif
19:32:38	louisilla	nope
19:33:12	tommyb80	I guess I should've just shut up and come over last night, sigh.
19:34:25	tommyb80	http://i.imgur.com/kBkPC.gif
19:35:09	tommyb80	Does your bedroom have a window at ground level?
19:35:29	louisilla	yes
19:35:55	tommyb80	Would you let me in if I found it? ;P
19:36:06	louisilla	nope
19:39:55	tommyb80	Are you more attracted to girls or guys?
19:40:14	louisilla	I don't know
19:40:26	tommyb80	Have you ever had a threesome?
19:40:35	louisilla	no
19:40:52	tommyb80	I think I'm really attracted to you.
19:41:08	louisilla	that's nice
19:41:35	tommyb80	What are you doing?
19:41:55	louisilla	lying in bed and watching hulu
19:42:44	tommyb80	What's your favorite sex position?
19:42:58	louisilla	missionary
19:43:34	tommyb80	Do you ever have orgasms from penile-vaginal sex?
19:43:48	louisilla	no
19:44:06	tommyb80	Have you ever had an orgasm?
19:44:18	louisilla	yes
19:44:33	tommyb80	Do you like giving blowjobs?
19:44:41	louisilla	no
19:44:51	tommyb80	Do you like going down on girls?
19:44:58	louisilla	yes
19:45:08	tommyb80	Have you ever been raped?
19:45:27	louisilla	yes
19:45:38	tommyb80	How many times?
19:46:13	louisilla	three
19:46:26	tommyb80	How many people?
19:46:36	louisilla	three
19:47:10	tommyb80	Did you know the person each time?
19:47:36	louisilla	I was acquainted with them
19:47:53	tommyb80	Did you ever file a police report?
19:48:14	louisilla	that would've been a waste of time
19:48:55	tommyb80	If you let me come over tonight, and let me make out with you, do you think I would rape you?
19:49:18	louisilla	anything's possible
19:49:30	tommyb80	Do you think it's more likely than not?
19:49:45	louisilla	yes
19:50:00	tommyb80	The last time it happened, did he hurt you?
19:50:26	louisilla	no
19:50:37	tommyb80	Did you say no?
19:50:50	tommyb80	Er, did you tell him you didn't want to have sex with him?
19:50:50	louisilla	yes
19:51:00	louisilla	well, no
19:51:13	louisilla	the last time I was asleep
19:51:33	tommyb80	Did you fall asleep cuddling with him?
19:51:41	louisilla	yes
19:51:50	tommyb80	Did you tell him to stop when you woke up?
19:52:08	louisilla	yes
19:52:23	tommyb80	How long did it last, from the point when you woke up?
19:52:40	louisilla	I don't know
19:52:56	tommyb80	Do you think it was several minutes or more?
19:53:09	louisilla	I don't know
19:53:16	tommyb80	Did it feel good?
19:53:25	louisilla	no
19:54:04	tommyb80	Were you drunk?
19:54:32	louisilla	yes
19:54:47	tommyb80	Did it feel good either of the other two times?
19:55:31	louisilla	no
19:55:58	tommyb80	Are you still friends with any of them?
19:56:37	louisilla	I'm friends with no onw

19:56:52	tommyb80	Have you ever had a friend?
19:57:22	louisilla	sure
19:57:42	tommyb80	Are you happy?
19:57:50	louisilla	no
19:59:23	tommyb80	What's been the best day of your life so far?
19:59:43	louisilla	nothing comes to mind
20:00:35	tommyb80	Have you had more male friends or more female friends in your life?
20:00:44	louisilla	male
20:00:50	tommyb80	What's your favorite drug?
20:00:56	louisilla	opium
20:01:16	tommyb80	What's your favorite part of your body to have touched?
20:01:45	louisilla	dunno
20:02:35	tommyb80	Do you ever have orgasms from oral sex?
20:05:13	tommyb80	Wanna go see a movie? I haven't seen avatar yet.
20:05:34	louisilla	seen it
20:07:11	tommyb80	wanna see it again? ;P
20:07:16	louisilla	nope
20:09:51	tommyb80	http://www.fandango.com/20008_movietheatershowtimes?srce=1&wssac=58&wssaffid=11481_REGWebsite wanna see any of these?
20:11:23	louisilla	imaginarium
20:11:38	tommyb80	cool, let's do it.
20:11:50	tommyb80	11:50pm tonight? does that work?
20:11:55	louisilla	no
20:12:01	louisilla	I am very sleepy
20:12:17	tommyb80	mmm maybe tomorrow?
20:12:25	louisilla	maybe
20:13:31	tommyb80	Can I please come over?
20:13:41	tommyb80	I won't rape you.
20:14:08	louisilla	I've heard that line before
20:15:34	tommyb80	Yeah, jk, imma rape the shit out of you, but can I please come over anyway? We can cuddle and pet the kitty and I'll scratch your back and sing you lullabyes.
20:15:46	louisilla	no thanks
20:16:17	tommyb80	sigh
20:16:45	tommyb80	May I have more pictures of you, please?
20:17:05	louisilla	too much effort
20:17:35	tommyb80	Can I call you?
20:17:48	louisilla	don't feel like talking
20:17:55	tommyb80	we don't have to talk.
20:18:27	louisilla	that would be stupid
20:18:37	tommyb80	whatever fascist
20:21:33	tommyb80	do you like cuddling?
20:21:46	louisilla	depends
20:22:03	tommyb80	On what?
20:22:22	louisilla	on whether I like what I'm cuddling with
20:23:53	tommyb80	Who is your favorite character from a novel you like?
20:24:23	louisilla	I don't like playing favorites
20:24:53	louisilla	and I don't usually read novels for the characters
20:25:11	tommyb80	Do you think you lie more or less than the average person?
20:25:26	louisilla	I don't know how much the average person lies
20:26:35	tommyb80	Would you kill the whole world to save your life?
20:27:21	louisilla	that depends on whether I like anyone in the world at the time
20:27:35	tommyb80	Do you like anyone in the world right now?
20:27:50	louisilla	yes
20:27:54	louisilla	my best friend
20:27:59	louisilla	he took care of my cat well
20:28:54	tommyb80	I thought you said you were "friends with no onw" ;P
20:29:25	louisilla	I guess I was mistaken
20:30:51	tommyb80	Can you give me your number and tell me a good time to call you tomorrow to see if you want to go to a movie?

Prostating myself before some scatterbrained bitch for two hours while I jerk my crusty dick. And then, after the chatting is over, another twenty minutes trying to climax and failing. Asian, quirky, cute, but when I look at her pictures, into her manic grinning mouth and emotionless eyes, there is no promise of warmth and intimacy and friendship. Biological machine overturned, thrashing, falling, confused. No climax will come, only frustration and fading.

Fuck machines. A whole race, a whole civilization of fuck machines. We pretend that we are trying to escape from our animal selves, but where is there to escape to? Art, music, emotion, science and exploration and the happy glow of friendship, all of it just useful pretense for the dance of the fuck machine. Runaway sexual selection. Nothing can kill us, so we evolve into dancing singing fuck machines at random. Random random random.